 Mugshots taken:
2008 | Lafayette County Jail (top left) 2009 | Broomfield County Jail (top right) 2009 | Boulder County Jail (bottom left) 2010 | Glenwood County Jail (bottom right) LIFE AS AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC: Jail visits. Morning shakes. Blackouts. Drugs. Rehabs. Court cases. Probation officers. UA’s. Breathalyzers. Suspended license. Driving illegally. Totaled cars. Bruises, scratches and scars. Drunken fights. Wrecked relationships. Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. LIFE AS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC: Family moments. Pursuing passions. Health and wellness. Nutrition. Meditation. Affirmations. Personal growth. Education. Gratitude. Loving relationships. Dream chasing. Goal achieving. Self-love. Happiness. Humility. As long as we are still alive, recovery is always possible. Never give up!
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 Picture taken: 2007
“Only once the drugs are done... I feel like dying, I feel like dying...” That feeling when all the drugs are gone... Misery. Emptiness. Despair. The high comes and goes so fast, the comedown hits so hard. Spending every waking moment pursuing those numbing feelings of euphoria. Constantly chasing that first high... that first hit, that first pill, that first line. The drugs are gone, time to sleep; the brain is racing, it won’t shut off. Eyes are closed, teeth are still grinding. If there’s a way to feel dead while still alive... this is it. There’s a price to pay for this heavenly high, these temporary feelings of euphoria... this misery is the payment. The despair is the currency. The highs I get in my life today are real, with no comedown, that will last a lifetime. Fitness, nutrition and daily self-growth tools (affirmations, meditation, etc.) give me the tools to be the best version of myself. Being a dad and husband fills me with the most pure and genuine love I’ve ever felt. Pursuing love, happiness and success for my family allows me to feel like I have a true purpose in life. And as long as I stay the course, I won’t ever have to trade this amazing life for a drink, pill or powder ever again!  Picture taken: July 4th, 2010
10 days sober Lost 30 pounds in the last 30 days of my using. Guess that’s what happens when the bodies primary fuel sources are booze and uppers. Life had been a spiraling whirlwind of chaos that landed me back in handcuffs, and released 10 days prior to this picture. I don’t wish that feeling of early sobriety on my worst enemy. The feelings of hopelessness, guilt and shame are constant. The thoughts of using are being battled with by the hour. The body is flushing out excess toxins from obsessive use of drugs and alcohol. The world is a scary place at this point. The only thing keeping us going is the faith that it truly does get better. So grateful for the men and women in recovery, their support saved me from going back out. I was staying on a friends couch, had no money to my name and was looking at jail time again... But I was sober. And in that moment, that’s all that mattered. Because with every 24 hours of sobriety that passed my life got a little bit better, a little more productive and a little more manageable. I’m extremely grateful for the people in recovery that were there for me, they got me through the hardships of early sobriety. Those struggles and hardships in turn leading me to grow as an individual, and allowing me to build this amazing life I get to live today!  Picture taken: 2008
Pictured here is an older version of myself (2008?); an older version of myself that was suffering immensely, feeling an enormous amount of pain with a massive void inside of him. That void only being filled with daily drinks, nights of drug induced euphoria and the illusion of love. So far down the addiction rabbit hole, and still in the depths of an insane and toxic relationship. Three rehabs in at this point, but still a few years off from getting sober again. Multiple arrests, homeless stints, totaled cars and spiritually broken moments away from getting back into recovery. I’m just so damn grateful to have made it out of that lifestyle in one piece. I get to be present and truly experience every moment now. I get to feel all the terrifying, confusing and amazing emotions that this world has to offer. And I get to have more love and joy in my life than I ever thought possible. So saying I feel damn lucky would be a hell of an understatement.  Picture taken: 2010
Just short of 6 months sober here. Still have a lot in common with this guy. Still filled with fear of that first drink and drug. Hate to admit that there is still fear, but I’m still truly terrified of what booze does to me. Still willing to do anything to stay clean. Still doing everything necessary to not drink or use, just for today. Still taking it one day at a time. Still feel lucky to have made it out. Still feel blessed that I found a new way to live. Still feel so damn grateful to be alive.  Mugshot taken: 2009
15+ charges 6+ jail visits 5+ bond violations 4 inpatient rehabs 4 court ordered classes 4 probation officers 3 outpatient rehabs 2 hospital visits 2 sober living houses 2 totaled cars 1 defeated addict ready for a new life... Even with all thosenumbers, everything listed above, there was no outside force that was going to get me to quit using. There was no getting better until I was truly and absolutely ready within myself to stop. What finally got me sober was the emotional rock bottom, that feeling of emptiness and solitude all of us addicts know too well. Addiction leads to negative consequences and traumas, near death experiences and many relationships ruined... But as addicts and alcoholics, we will not change until we are completely defeated spiritually and emotionally; being ready for change and that moment of clarity can only come from within ourselves. It’s then, and only then, that we become willing to listen and do absolutely whatever it takes to never go back! Jails, institutions and death. When I read those three words all I feel is an overwhelming amount of GRATITUDE. I had multiple rock bottoms, they always got worse as I continued to use, but none of them put me six feet under. And if that’s not a good enough reason to be extremely grateful every day, I don’t know what is.  Picture taken: 2008
SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring) ankle monitor. Used for high-risk, hardcore DUI and alcohol offenders. The judge told me “Mr. DeVoto, you have a drinking problem” and ordered that I not be released from County Jail until the SCRAM bracelet was placed on my ankle. The bracelet vibrated and tested for alcohol in my sweat every 30 minutes, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I had proven myself completely untrustworthy to not drink alcohol if left to my own devices... and rightfully so. I was scared sober while I wore the bracelet, scared dry. “Dry” meaning I didn’t drink but I was counting down the days until I could again. I showed up to court on a separate case in a different county and was arrested on the spot. The ankle bracelet was removed at that time. Looking at this picture, I feel grateful. I feel grateful that I’m no longer court ordered to plug my ankle device into a computer every week. Plug in to have them upload the data of over 350 alcohol tests from the last seven days. All to determine whether I could keep my freedom. I wasn’t trusted in society without being monitored 24/7. Now I’m a father, responsible for raising a baby girl into a woman. How could I not be grateful? Life is a fucking blessing!  Picture taken: 2010
This picture was taken during my last relapse on our way to Denver to score our DOCs (drugs of choice). The weeks following this run were complete chaos. Multiple day benders, hotel rooms, totaled car, fired from my job, left with no place to live and ended in handcuffs. Honestly, although this relapse took me to a dark place... it was the rock bottom that I needed. Without hitting rock bottom as hard as I did, I may not be sober today. I’m truly blessed to have made it out alive. More importantly, I’m blessed I didn’t hurt anyone else on my destructive path. At the time, I wanted to die; I didn’t think there was any hope of a better life. Part of what keeps me clean today is the fact that I never want to experience those deep dark feelings ever again. Looking back now, I am actually lucky to have experienced those feelings of absolute misery. It was that emptiness and hopelessness that forced me to change my life forever. And my life today is better than I ever could have imagined.  Picture taken: 2008
“I don’t remember” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this line. When I didn’t use this line, I nodded my head and pretended like I remembered.. when I didn’t. I didn’t lie because I was a liar, I lied because I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t want everyone to know how big of a drinking problem I really had. I had people around me that were coke heads, junkies and pill fiends. Although I was all these things at one point or another too, what I truly was was a blackout artist. When I drank alcohol, I was guaranteed to drink until I blacked out. There was no question about it, and there was no amount of alcohol that was too much. I didn’t get the spins anymore, I never threw up, I just blacked out and continued to drink. Every morning I woke up with the shakes, needing to consume alcohol to make them go away, repeating the blackout drinking cycle on a daily basis. This is where I used uppers as a tool to help with my blackout problem. Coke, ecstasy and molly kept me from blacking out and still allowed me to drink more... the logic seems fucked up, but it made sense to me at the time. I remember writing a paper about my blackouts and sharing it with my group while I was in rehab. I was stuck in this blackout cycle for at least the last year and a half of my drinking. The major theme of my paper was that of all that time I spent out there drinking, the fact that I blacked out so often equated to so much of my life wasted in a state where alcohol was the driver. Like... not remembering all of that time for a year and a half? That’s insane! Every day now I get to experience, feel and remember everything I do. The feeling I get from simply being present in every moment is a high in itself. My mind is always clear, I see and perceive the world through eyes that are backed by a positive mind, so the world I see is a beautiful place with endless possibilities. I’m doing everything in my power today to never go back to that life. Pictures taken: 2008
“This is for my fallen soldiers, we miss you! Although you gone we with you.” Driving around with no destination, bumping beats with the windows down... good times! Always using your fingers as drumsticks on the dashboard. It didn’t matter what was playing, you were constantly jamming and drumming along, occasionally busting out into comedy freestyles. So many great stories and memories with you bro! You always had a smile on your face, constantly cracking jokes to make all of us around you laugh. Your positivity and energy was contagious, we had no choice but to smile when you were around. You became one of my closest friends at the time because of our shared value in loyalty. I always knew if I needed something I could call you and you would be there for me in a heartbeat. You were the one I called when I got myself into a bind on a few different occasions. We met as young punks, we became friends and over time... we grew into brothers. I always knew you were struggling, but I never knew to what extent. I wish I could have been there more for you towards the end. You never put your pain on us, and whatever you were going through it never kept you from being an amazing friend. Wherever you’re at now, I know you’re jammin away, being the life of the party. I miss you like crazy man. Thanks for looking over me and I hope I’m making you proud. I love you bro! |
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