 “I need to do this, I have no other choice... I don’t want to die.”
Shaky, sick & terrified. Sweats and insomnia. Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, fear and shame. Taking decisions hour by hour, minute by minute. The obsession of the mind takes over every bit of our being. The non-stop mental battle begins to keep from picking up that first drink or drug again. Mentally ready to run back to our comfort zone, to what we know best. Spiritually willing to do anything to not pick back up, to break free of the toxic and self-destructing pattern we are stuck in. Finally ready to listen and do whatever it takes to escape the insanity. Praying to whatever we believe in, whoever will listen. Asking for help to no longer live this way, to rid us of this misery. Begging for a miracle, the miracle to not use anymore. The miracle we need more than anything else, in that moment, to save us from ourselves. You won’t always feel the way you do right now, I promise. It may not seem like it, but the pain you are feeling is only temporary... it will subside. Your addiction does not have to be a spiritual or physical death sentence. As long as you are still alive and breathing, there is still hope for you. And I promise you... you are worth it!
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 When all you ever grew up doing was breaking the law, doing drugs and getting drunk, then that’s just what you do... it’s all you know. You surround yourself with like-minded people with similar pasts who are making similar lifestyle choices. And when this is what you’re around 24/7, it just becomes your “normal”. You get so deep, you truly don’t realize there’s even another way to live.
Don’t get me wrong I had some amazing, supportive and loving people in my life who always wanted nothing but the best for me. But towards the end I avoided them at all cost. I only wanted to surround myself with the people that reinforced the lifestyle I wanted to live. Constantly chasing that “this is normal” feeling, without ever coming close to achieving it. I left myself get to a dark place that most people would never let themselves get to. Normal people don’t drink at 9am because thats the only thing that will make their shakes go away. Normal people don’t blackout every time they pick up a drink and end up in jail every few months. Normal don’t smoke, swallow or smoke any substance put in front of them. Normal people aren’t constantly out on bond, having their heart sink every time they see red and blue lights. Normal people have a job, a car and a roof over their head. And normal people don’t have to rationalize with themselves on a daily basis because of how fucked up they’ve let their life get. My life today is a complete 180 of what it used to be. I actually strive to be the best version of myself every day. To me that means pursuing my passions, taking care of my body and mind, being a genuinely positive person and, most importantly... being a good father to my beautiful baby girl. My life today is a dream compared to how it used to be. Every day I wake up grateful because this life is such a blessing!  Time: 2005
Place: Downtown Boulder, Boulder, CO “Run, run, run!” Sammy* goes in first and pretends to fill a soda with no luck at the beverage station. This is all an act we’ve pulled a few times before. He goes up to the teller to let him know the machine is “out of the soda” he’s trying to get. The teller steps out from behind the desk to check out the machine with Sammy. This is my cue... I jump behind the desk and grab two of the closest cartons of cigarettes I can get my hands on. I try to play it cool but also move quickly while the teller has his back turned. My adrenaline is through the roof, but I’m focused. The rest of our day depends on this moment, these cigarettes are going to be our currency so there is no room for mistake. I’m trying to play it cool walking out of the store, but the teller quickly realizes what just happened. “Hey! You!” He hollers at me as he realizes what just happened. I break out into a sprint, out of the store before he can get another word out. Sammy, having fulfilled his part as the distraction, flys out behind me. The teller is yelling at us from the front door, but we both know he stands no chance at catching us. We run, run, run until we meet up with Benjamin* a few blocks down. Laughing and panting as we catch our breath. Feeling proud and excited that we now have our currency to get high on for the day. Cigarettes are as good as cash when it comes to the people we are dealing with. Snatching cartons from convenient stores was just one of the hundreds of schemes we pulled to get high. Selling fake drugs, shoplifting clothes and CDs or hustling our fellow classmates out of their cash or drugs were a few of our other tricks. I’m not proud of these things, but it is a part of my story, and I promised myself when I started telling my stories that I would always be transparent. Karma got me back, like it always does. I’ve been robbed, jumped and stolen from more times than I can count. I go above and beyond today to be overly open and honest in all situations, I feel like that is one of many things I can do to right my wrongs. What can’t I do? Erase my past. What can I do? Learn from those mistakes and live accordingly; that’s why today I make a conscious effort to be the best person I can possibly be. And I will continue to do tomorrow, and every day for the rest of my life. *names changed to protect privacy  Time: 2010
Place: Glenwood Springs, CO This story was told to me from multiple sources, I have no recollection whatsoever of the majority of this day... I’m driving down a windy mountain road, I look over at Nick* and I have a devilish smirk on my face. I’ve been told about this smirk before, it’s the smirk I get when alcohol has taken over and I’m going to have no recollection of my actions. I can’t keep the car on the road, Nick is yelling at me to chill on my driving but I’m not paying any attention to him. I’m all over the place and swerve into the left lane, right into oncoming traffic. All of the sudden we are going full speed at a car with a family in it. I pull the wheel right just in time to avoid a head on collision... but I over correct and drive my car off the right side of the road. I make the car go almost completely 90 degrees sideways on the dirt hill off the shoulder, luckily avoiding flipping the car. I regain control but not before slamming and driving over multiple rocks and boulders. My car is banged up, my bumper is falling off, but even worse, I just put multiple lives at risk. I get back to Nicks house safely, with a near totaled car and a flat tire. I was arrested blackout drunk and high less than a week later for unrelated events. The worst part about this story: it was 12pm when this happened. Noon! I had consumed enough alcohol, on top of all the uppers, to still have zero memory. I’m not proud to admit that I drove blackout drunk often, these moments are ones that bring lots of shame. But I do feel absolutely blessed that no one was ever hurt by these decisions. The only things hurt were myself and a few of my cars, I can live with that! Point I’m trying to make is our actions while in active addiction can bring a lot of guilt and shame. I have many more examples of this in my story, the point is we have to learn to forgive ourselves. We aren’t defined by our pasts and there’s no rewinding time. We need to focus on our present selves, being the best version we can be and only worry about the one thing we have control over: the future.  Time: 2009
Place: Baseline & 27th, Boulder CO This building with the beautiful art on the side of it, located just off Baseline and Broadway used to be a Wendy’s. I used to live on one meal a day from here. My diet consisted of $5 worth of Wendy’s, spiced rum, cigarettes, blow, ecstasy and any other shit I could get my hands on. I had to hustle up about $25 a day to sustain this. $5 at Wendy’s, $15 handle of Admiral Nelson and $5 pack of smokes. I could usually get free uppers from middle-manning deals. And I pulled it off... Every. Fucking. Day. . Funny enough, I drove by this Wendy’s yesterday trying to help out another, still active, addict. I spotted it and saw that it was shut down, so had to stop for a picture. Memories came back pretty intensely as I was driving around, and spotting this building, they came back very vividly. The world works in funny ways, another amazing reminder of how lucky I am to live the life I do today. DUI
Place: Ex-girlfriends parking lot, 2008 Lafayette, CO Like most nights, Julie* and I ended up in a heated argument. My ex-girlfriend Mandy* was texting and calling repeatedly for no good reason, probably had a few drinks of her own. Julie was the protective type, I mean very protective. I told Julie to not worry about it, that I wasn’t going to respond but that wasn’t enough for her. It wasn’t long until she left the apartment in a hurry. She didn’t know where Mandy lived, but she was determined to find out. Julie doesn’t know where Mandy lives, but I do, so we end up driving that direction. We pull up to find that Julie not only found her place, but she is on top of Mandy, landing fist after fist. I pull my Jeep to a screeching halt in the middle of the parking lot and we all jump out. I pull Julie off but not before she lands a few solid kicks. My buddies pick up Mandy and take her to other end of the parking lot. Mandy is screaming “look what she did to me!” her face barely recognizable under the tears and blood. A few minutes after we broke the two up, a few cop cars arrive, probably called in by a neighbor. They pull everybody aside and start their usual questions, I don’t say shit, because that’s we do, we don’t talk to cops. Mandy is continuing to yell about “she did this to me”, Julie is placed in the back of my Jeep to keep them separated. One of the cops asks “who’s car is this?”, I raise my hand. “How much have you had to drink tonight?” They start performing their roadside tests, I fail every test because I can’t keep my drunk, shit talking, mouth shut. They start talking about taking Julie to jail for assault. I lose it, I start yelling about how if they take her to jail I am going to make their lives a living hell, blah blah drunken shit talk. Julie and I had our dysfunction, but I had her back no matter what, especially with cops. Somehow they just wrote her a court summons for assault and let her go. They cuffed me up and brought me in, I was out later that night/early morning. Lesson learned? Not even close, I rolled and totaled my Jeep blackout drunk a month later.  Time: 2007
Place: Bus stop, Lafayette CO It’s 5:15am and I need to leave for work. Before I do, I’m hunting around my room for loose change so I can have bus money. Nothing... fuck. My roommates aren’t up yet so I can’t ask them. Not that I would want to anyways... then they would know how broke I am. I leave the house, throw my headphones on, put my hood up and light up a refried cigarette. I walk to the bus stop, and sit on the cold bench waiting for the bus to arrive. I don’t have money for the fare, but I have to get to work, I can’t afford to lose my job. The bus pulls up, I get on, reach in my pockets and pretend to be surprised that my imaginary bus pass isn’t in my pockets. He tells me that I can’t get on without a bus pass or paying the fare, “really, man? I’ll make sure I have it next time, I promise”. He doesn’t let me on. I wait 12 minutes for the next bus, I repeat my act and he waves me on with a nod. I was broke as fuck. My bank account was regularly overdrafted. I lived on cereal, Totinos pizzas and Pop-Tarts. Every paycheck was gone before I even got it. The bus fare to get to work every day was $1.25, and there were times where I didn’t have the 5 quarters I needed. At this point I still managed to make rent and keep a roof over my head but later in my story, this wasn’t the case... Being broke is a humbling experience, it truly makes a person grateful for the little things in life. It teaches a person the true value of a dollar. It shows a person to never get too comfortable, no matter their financial situation. It creates empathy for those out there still struggling, for the less fortunate. Well I can’t speak for everybody... but I'm grateful to say it did all these things for me.  TIme: 2008
Place: Broomfield County Jail, Broomfield CO The sound of the neighboring cell door slamming shut startles me awake. How the hell did I end up here again? Memories of the night before are flashing through my head. There’s no movement in these memories, they come through as still picture memory moments in between periods of zero memory. Blackouts were a daily in my life at this point. Flashes of cop lights are all I can recall. I have taser burn marks on my arm and chest. I’m in an isolation cell meaning I was probably being combative and mouthy getting booked in. I’m missing a sock, one of my fingernails is completely ripped off, and I can taste dry blood in my mouth. Fear takes over my entire body realizing I have no idea what my charges are or what had happened the night before. I’m obviously start assuming the absolute worst... what have I done? The jail nurse and an officer come to my cell to take my vitals. I ask the officer what my charges are and he tells me: assault, resisting arrest, violation of probation and violation of bond. While the nurse is taking my blood pressure she tells me “you are like a whole different person now that you are sober”, I nod my head, “thanks... yeah, that’s what I’ve heard... Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” This moment was a big one, it shook me to the core. I blacked out on a regular basis when I drank, but this one showed me that really anything could happen. Alcohol became the driver when I blacked out... and that was a really scary thought.  Time: 2006
Place: Creekside Apartments, Boulder CO I was kicked out of my parents house in my teens, I had pushed them to their limits. I got out of a wilderness treatment center at the age of 16 and moved directly into a sober house ran by my drug counselor. I started using again, got caught with a handle of vodka and got kicked out. Luckily I quickly landed a job at a call center in Boulder named Bolder Calls. Since I was under 18, I found an older co-worker to move in with at the Creekside Apartments. Although the circumstances by which I had gotten to this spot were because of my wreckless decisions, there was a sense of pride writing a $1400 check as a teen. Especially since the rest of the kids my age were still worried about their curfew or next weeks’ science project. Just because I didn’t breath a sober breath didn’t stop me from working my ass off. It was me vs the world now, nobody owed me shit, I had gotten myself into this circumstance so I had no choice but to survive. I learned quickly how to be an adult. I was forced to learn real life skills, and fast. I worked overtime at my job every week and would middle man drug deals at every opportunity I could for extra cash. I was broke, paycheck to paycheck, but I did what I had to do to survive. Would I advise teenagers to drop out of high school? Fuck no, of course not. But do I regret dropping out? No. The amount of first hand, real world experience I got being out on my own so young was priceless. Was it hard? Hell yeah it was! Was there times I could barely even afford to eat? Yeah, definitely. I fucking struggled and I struggled hard but wow... what a humbling experience looking back now. I’ll never regret the past, especially since the only thing I have the power to change is the future! |
Terin DeVotoRecovering alcoholic/addict, bully victim, 6+ year toxic relationship, past depression. Overcame these past struggles to create a life of love, success and happiness. ArchivesCategories |
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