Checking into rehab

Time: 2009
Place: Jaywalker Lodge, Carbondale CO

At this point I had been to countless therapy sessions, a handful of outpatient programs and multiple court ordered classes. This was now my 4th time in inpatient rehab. But this time felt different, I was at rock bottom and ready for change (at least I thought). I spent two weeks prior to rehab in a jail cell, reflecting every day on what my life had come to. I had lost everything already, so I truly had nothing else to lose by going. I sat in jail with a low bond, making no effort to make bail because I didn’t trust myself... I was scared of what I might do if I did get out. I was offered an opportunity to go to rehab and let me tell you what, deciding to go was one of the best decisions I have ever made... it saved my life.

Checking in was absolutely fucking terrifying. But the next 3 months were life changing, I met one of the most amazing groups of guys. We were a mix of junkies, pillheads and drunks from all over the country with very different stories. One thing was sure, none of us EVER wanted to go back to the lifestyle we had just come from. We spent a lot time outdoors and the rest of the time sharing our stories, struggles and past traumas. Feeling uncomfortable as all hell became a daily routine. The lifestyles we had all been living caused a lot of damage to us and our loved ones. Countless hours were spent addressing our character defects. I can’t speak for everyone else but my way of living and thinking was not normal, I absolutely had to re-learn to live life sober.

Although I had another relapse about 10 months later, I was lucky enough to find my way back. Not all of us were as lucky. Some were lost to overdose, some suicide and some are back out there today strung out and/or drunk. I feel survivors guilt every time another life is taken, because I know it could easily have been me. I stay grateful every day because I know if I ever relapsed, I could be the next funeral my loved ones are attending. To anyone that has lost someone to addiction, I feel for you. R.I.P. to all those that were stolen from us too early!