 “We got that bad love, but it taste like medicine.”
That pull, that passion, that I need you to breathe feeling. That grip on my heart, my life, my emotions, my everything. I worshiped you and despised you at the same time. Hit me, yell at me, tell me how much you hate me. Take a drink, do a line, let’s get high to fall in love again. Let’s fight so we can feel something, because I’d rather feel misery than nothing at all. This is our love, our beautiful chaos that no one will ever understand but us. I’m yours, you own me, you always will. Let’s break up so we can make up. Get out of my life, delete my number and never talk to me again so I can blow up your phone and beg for you back. Lie to me, tell me you’re sorry, that it will never happen again. Land another fist so I can call you a psycho again, encourage you to swing harder. We say Bonnie and Clyde but the way we poison each other, this is more like Romeo and Juliet... To those that can relate to these words... YOU’RE NOT ALONE A lot has changed since these toxic times. Even with everything we put each other through, personally, I know I’m stronger now because of this relationship. So in my opinion, our chaotic love story does have a happy ending of sorts. I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me. The more time I spend trying to grow spiritually and emotionally, the more forgiveness and empathy have become key components in my inner peace and happiness. All wounds heal with time, and the scars left behind do nothing but show you are stronger than ever before.
0 Comments
 Time: 2008
Place: Birch Apartments, Broomfield CO The last thing I remember is sitting at the dining room table taking a shot with Julie... the next thing I remember is wrestling with two police officers with a taser in my chest. The electric pulses running through my body are enough to pull my brain out of the drunken blackout state it was in. This was the 3rd tase of the evening (per the police report), but this one was finally effective. I was tackled over the couch, got a knee shoved into my back and my wrists forced into handcuffs. I sat in jail for a week swearing up and down I would never drink again. But as usual, I was drunk a few days after release and back in jail within the month. Julie and I were on one of our million break ups so I was staying with a close friend nearby while she stayed at our apartment. She invited me over that night to “drink and talk”. My friend advised me it wasn’t a good idea, he saw the dysfunctional and abusive pattern we were stuck in. But I refused to let her go. We drank, talked, chain smoked and the next thing I knew we were both resisting arrest, wrestled into handcuffs and hauled off to jail. We would fight, it would get intense and physical on a regular basis, but this was a bad one. The chaotic passion we were able to bring out of each other was nothing short of a full blown addiction. She was my drug and I was hers. And like any addiction, there was no amount that ever satisfied us. We would fight, yell and scream chasing our fix. And even when our addiction kicked us into the ground and left us completely broken at rock bottom, we always went back...  Time: 2008
Place: McDonalds Parking Lot, Broomfield CO I blacked out but I have one flash of memory... My hand is gushing blood, I’m stumbling down the sidewalk and I reach a major intersection. I’m staring up at 120th and Sheridan. I’m only 1/2 mile from my apartment and I drive by this crossroad every day. But in this moment I was so far gone that I vividly remember having no idea where the fuck I was. Another black out. From what I’m told, Julie and I were fighting. Maybe I brought someone over I shouldn’t have, she may have went through my phone and found something that triggered her, the reason was never really apparent. But we had the ability to go from stupid in love to at each others throats within a matter of seconds. Our argument escalated so I left the apartment in a drunken stupor. I had no destination and alcohol was now responsible for all my decisions, so I was stumbling around town aimlessly. Julie came to my “rescue”, somehow she always found me. Not 5 minutes after getting in the car I was yelling, she was yelling back and throwing fists sideways at me with her other hand on the wheel. In the middle the McDonalds parking lot she kicked me back out of the car, and I did yelling and cursing. With the door still open, I grabbed the car to get back in and Julie hit the gas. The car door slammed shut on my hand, I continued to hold on as she kept accelerating until my legs could no longer keep up with the speed of the car. I rolled on the ground a good 10 feet. I was fucked up, alone and bleeding in the middle of a parking lot again. This was nothing new. We were well known for being great one minute, then exploding the next. Our level of passion mixed with the self destructive behaviors created for the toxic relationship we had. Multiple arrests together, hundreds of break-up/make-ups and thousands of heated fights. We always ended up back together though. They also say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  “We got that bad love, but it taste like medicine.” -Macklemore
That pull, that passion, that I need you to breathe feeling. That grip on my heart, my life, my emotions, my everything. I worshiped you and despised you at the same time. Hit me, yell at me, tell me how much you hate me. Let’s fight so we can feel something, because I’d rather feel misery than nothing at all. This is our love, our beautiful chaos that no one will ever understand but us. I’m yours, you own me, you always will. Let’s break up so we can make up. Get out of my life, delete my number and never talk to me again so I can blow up your phone and beg for you back. Lie to me, tell me you’re sorry, that it will never happen again. Land another fist so I can call you a psycho again, encourage you to swing harder. We say Bonnie and Clyde, but the way we poison each other this is more like Romeo and Juliet. There is no happy ending to our love story... “'Cause I would rather live in Hell than get comfortable sleeping alone” To those that can relate to these words... YOU’RE NOT ALONE! Please feel free to share your thoughts and personal experiences in the comments! Can you relate personally? O do you have a loved one that you have seen stuck in this pattern?  I met Julie* at a call center job in Boulder. We would stand up in our cubicles and lock eyes from across the room, I was shy but she wasn’t. She knew exactly what we both wanted and she was going to make sure it happened. Before we ever had our first conversation I knew there was something different about her, the draw I had to her was something I had never felt before. Not sure if I would call it love at first sight, but passion at first sight is most likely an understatement. I was obsessed from day one.
We hung out and instantly hit it off. After the first day we hung out, we didn’t leave each others’ side. We were both in relationships at the time, but quickly broke up with them to be with each other. She was living with her boyfriend, so she had nowhere to go, so naturally she moved in with me. We had been in each other’s lives for a week at this point. We were inseparable, we had the kind of love that made those around us sick. Our obsession for each other could be felt by everyone in the room. She made me feel like a king, she was my Bonnie, I was her Clyde. The obsession for each other only grew stronger, but soon the loving passion turned into something darker. She started to get angry, violent and possessive. Why didn’t I end it then? Because I was just as empty and dysfunctional, I thrived on it. She became my drug, I was addicted to her and she was addicted to me. We fucking hated each other but we loved each other with the same amount of passion. I saw the fact that she was so possessive and passionate as her way of showing how much she cared. Over the next 5 years, we cheated, we got arrested and we broke up and made up over 100 times. We would fight, I would call her psycho, she would kick my ass, we would make up, and do it all over again. We spiraled down into a dark hole together, that we didn’t come out of for years... |
Terin DeVoto NoonanRecovering alcoholic/addict, bully victim, 6+ year toxic relationship, past depression. Overcame these past struggles to create a life of love, success and happiness. ArchivesCategories |
RSS Feed